I'm terrible at maintaining a blog. Someday I hope to get better at this, but then again the whole point has been to keep our friends and family update on our comings and goings. With that said there hasn't been much to report on until now.
John finished his last academic semester. People, this is a huge milestone for us. One we couldn't be happier about. He did well and survived.
Things have been moving right along at work for me.
And the foster situation has stalled yet again.
Recently it has been determined John and I will be making our 3rd move in 4 years at the end of July. Let me just say for someone who hates moving I do it a lot. And quite frankly I still stink at it. John was placed in Bulverde for his internship year. Bulverde sits right at the north outskirts of San Antonio, which has pretty much been our home. We are excited about that. However this is a difficult move for many reasons.
1. We decided to down size from a 3 bedroom house to a 1 bedroom apartment. There are several reasons for this.
2. It means I have to transfer and build a caseload from the ground up again.
3. We are moving away from friends.
4. We are leaving a church family we adore and has been incredible. Irreplaceable!
5. This is the hardest reason; our foster situation will be put on hold.
After much prayer, many many conversations, and lots of thought John and I decided it was for the best. Again the 1 bedroom apartment makes child raising challenging and in foster care impossible. We could have gotten a 2 bedroom, but it would not be in the area we will be in, meaning it would have been far from John's new church. I need to work more this upcoming year, and would not have been able to dedicate as much time to children. John needs to focus on his internship and will not able to pick up my slack in parenting. Honestly if we already had children in our home we would have figured out a way to manage, but since we don't currently have children in our home, it made more sense for us to just put it on hold for 10 months.
That is the plan, only put it on hold for 10 months. Our file will be transferred from Dallas MCH agency office to the San Antonio MCH agency office. We will maintain our license, continue our trainings, keeping our file up to date. Once John is finished in June 2016, we will once again set our sights on fostering.
Our tentative plan is to aggressively pursue adoption and foster at the same time once John is completely finished and graduated next June. Meaning if it is possible, and we want to find an agency willing to let us keep one spot available for foster placement and actively pursue adoption at the same time. That may or may not mean looking at the children on the waiting list for home. We want to continue to foster as long as possible. In our short inexperienced time we have learned fostering is a pain in the ass. There I said. I laid all the cards on the table. It really and truly is. The doctors appointments, records, social workers in and out, licensing, following state standards, etc. It is EXHAUSTING and time consuming. But I cannot think of a single thing more worth my time, energy, and love, which is why we are putting it on hold for 10 months. I don't want to kinda foster. I want to do my best. I want to give these children all I can, and we had to be honest with ourselves. Due to various circumstances we will not be able to give it our best for 10 months. Our hearts haven't changed. In fact this has been the hardest part of our transition. I can't express the amount of consideration (and tears) we gave this choice. Fostering has been such a special and beautiful experience. We wouldn't take back our brief time we have had with the children we have fostered so far. It has brought us more heartbreak than we could have imagined, but it has brought more joy and love that we ever thought possible. So much so it made all the heartbreak worth it. Can I say we made a life altering influence on the children, no. But they did on us.
Even though we are having to make this transition we are looking forward to the doors and chapters it will lead to. We coming close to rather big chapter in our lives ending; the "John and Ashley finally finish school for-hopefully-ever" chapter. You see, one of us has always, and by always, I mean ALWAYS been in school. Most people finish school by 22-24. Nope, not John and Ashley. We have built our lives around the academic calendar and couldn't be happier about putting those days behind us. While we have enjoyed learning, we are ready for both partners to be free of the restraints graduate school puts on a person.
This summer brings about a lot of change. We are slowly trying to prepare ourselves. Starting the packing 36 hours before movers come is a terrible way of moving. I know because we did that for one move. It was not pretty. Nothing was pretty about that! So let's just say I am planning, prepping, and packing now with the hopes things will be smoother later.
Tuesday, June 30, 2015
Thursday, April 2, 2015
The Hardest Part of Foster Care
Foster Care is not easy, and no one said it would be. I think some assumed John and I were naive to this fact, but we weren't. Remember 9+ months of training. We knew it was hard. But the hardest part........
It isn't being handed a crying shaking confused child while your social worker wished you luck
It isn't being handed a child with only the clothes on their back
It isn't holding the child who won't stop crying because he is a new scary place
It isn't watching your child be uncomfortable for weeks, because of their new environment causing them to be fussy and/or looking uninterested
It isn't all the doctors' appointments
It isn't trying to schedule all those appointments, considering your work schedule, your husband's work and school schedule; while the doctors and specialists couldn't careless about all those things
It isn't dealing with insurance
It isn't waking up 10 times in the middle of the night or sleeping in their room because they are scared and haven't adjusted to their new environment
It isn't the dealing with the aftermath of parent visits
It isn't dealing with various people coming into your home, constantly making sure you are a "suitable" parent
It isn't daycare telling you the odd things they notice
It isn't people staring and asking random (and sometimes inappropriate) questions because your kid is obviously a different ethnicity
It isn't worrying and trying to give your child all the experiences they need and deserve so they can catch up developmentally
It isn't learning their personalities and all the little tricks you can do to keep your child happy and calm
It isn't the slightly panicking every time you take your child somewhere new because you have learned they have anxiety and these situations make it hard on them
It isn't trying to juggle discipline, understanding various behaviors because this is a a child from a hard place vs development
It isn't numerous people watching you
It isn't the crazy questions you get about your fertility when people find out you are fostering
It isn't the trying to juggle what to pack and not pack in the weekend parent visit bag, because you don't want offend the parent, but you want your child to have everything he needs for a wonderful weekend
It isn't knowing your child has become comfortable with you, but would still choose his biological parent if given the choice
The hardest worst part is packing up and watching a child you love with all your heart leave your home, going to a place you may never know is truly ready and good enough for him.
We can do our best as foster parents. We love these kids with everything we have. John and I truly love as they are our own kids knowing full well they are going home. But we never know if these families have really done everything they can, if they are really prepared, if they won't relapse and end up in the same situation that caused them to have their kids placed in foster care. These families are from hard places and unfortunately that is always the situation they face. We have to watch these kids go back and pray like hell it works out for everyone without ever knowing the outcome.
It is the hardest thing John and I have ever had to go through.
It isn't being handed a crying shaking confused child while your social worker wished you luck
It isn't being handed a child with only the clothes on their back
It isn't holding the child who won't stop crying because he is a new scary place
It isn't watching your child be uncomfortable for weeks, because of their new environment causing them to be fussy and/or looking uninterested
It isn't all the doctors' appointments
It isn't trying to schedule all those appointments, considering your work schedule, your husband's work and school schedule; while the doctors and specialists couldn't careless about all those things
It isn't dealing with insurance
It isn't waking up 10 times in the middle of the night or sleeping in their room because they are scared and haven't adjusted to their new environment
It isn't the dealing with the aftermath of parent visits
It isn't dealing with various people coming into your home, constantly making sure you are a "suitable" parent
It isn't daycare telling you the odd things they notice
It isn't people staring and asking random (and sometimes inappropriate) questions because your kid is obviously a different ethnicity
It isn't worrying and trying to give your child all the experiences they need and deserve so they can catch up developmentally
It isn't learning their personalities and all the little tricks you can do to keep your child happy and calm
It isn't the slightly panicking every time you take your child somewhere new because you have learned they have anxiety and these situations make it hard on them
It isn't trying to juggle discipline, understanding various behaviors because this is a a child from a hard place vs development
It isn't numerous people watching you
It isn't the crazy questions you get about your fertility when people find out you are fostering
It isn't the trying to juggle what to pack and not pack in the weekend parent visit bag, because you don't want offend the parent, but you want your child to have everything he needs for a wonderful weekend
It isn't knowing your child has become comfortable with you, but would still choose his biological parent if given the choice
The hardest worst part is packing up and watching a child you love with all your heart leave your home, going to a place you may never know is truly ready and good enough for him.
We can do our best as foster parents. We love these kids with everything we have. John and I truly love as they are our own kids knowing full well they are going home. But we never know if these families have really done everything they can, if they are really prepared, if they won't relapse and end up in the same situation that caused them to have their kids placed in foster care. These families are from hard places and unfortunately that is always the situation they face. We have to watch these kids go back and pray like hell it works out for everyone without ever knowing the outcome.
It is the hardest thing John and I have ever had to go through.
Monday, February 2, 2015
Heart Broken
I kid you not, Wednesday evening I was talking to my BFF when she asked how the foster thing was going. To which I responded, “Its not”.
As many of you know November brought us our first broken hearts; which is why I [We] neglected the blog. Neither John nor I wanted to talk about it. We were brought two precious girls that we fell in love with instantly. They were sent back home almost as quickly as they came. It left us devastated because we felt the home they were being sent back to wasn't ready for them. Not only that, but John and I fell in love with the girls faster than we expected. We knew the love would be there, but there was a part of us that wasn't sure exactly how we would feel. Let me tell you, we loved them immediately. It doesn't take long when you look into the eyes of terrified kids, then feed, clothe, bathe, and diaper 'em. It happens so fast. We knew they weren't ours, but from the moment they were in our home we were determined to show them as much love and care as we could. [When a kid is under our care under our roof, that kid is our son or daughter, without reservation.] We thought we were going to have a year to do that. We spent the weekend we lost them crying and being mad at the world. [Husband Edit: The whole situation is a long story that doesn't need repeating, except to say that Ashley is the person that keeps me from speaking my mind when I am angry, and this time she told me to say whatever I wanted. I absolutely did. I still sleep like a baby.] Then we questioned our ability to foster. I mean here we were left with emotions we truthfully didn't know what to do with. After some wonderful friends came over to console and let us know that out feelings were completely justified and okay we told our agency we needed a couple of weeks to regroup. After about two weeks I sent an email saying we ready if they needed us. Well Christmas came and went, along with New Year's, and most of January.
About two weeks ago John and I went to dinner and discussed what our next step should be. Was this God's way of saying we weren't ready, was there no need, did our agency think we couldn't handle it? We had no idea what to think. We decided to wait and do our best to put it in God's hands. If our home was needed for someone we would be there. When Yoli asked how the foster thing was going on Wednesday I started thinking our timing was bad.
And wouldn't you know it, Friday I got the call! A two year old boy needed a home. I was really surprised. I managed to stutter out a “yes” when our social worker asked if we would take the placement. I called John, who was just as surprised. I gathered my thoughts and took a peek in the kids' room and...great. Nothing but girls' stuff. I packed up the girl clothes, rearranged somethings and begged the social worker to call me as soon as she knew sizes, but then I remembered how last time we were told sizes and it was wildly incorrect. Little Tiger (as we will call him) wouldn't be coming until Saturday morning. John and I decided to go to dinner and run some errands for a couple of items. At dinner we both panicked. Would we fall in love just as fast with this kiddo? Would we compare him to the other kids? We were really concerned our last experience might cause different feelings.
Saturday afternoon our social worker arrived with Little Tiger wrapped in her arms. He came with the clothes on his back and 1 sheet of paper giving John and I legal responsibility. He hadn't eaten or napped. Our social worker tried to put him down only to have him cry. After we all figured out there was no way for her to leave with him feeling comfortable she passed the screaming crying child on to me. John walked her out while Tiger and I sat in his room, where I rocked him for 15 min before he stopped crying. He had never been away from his mom, in a new place with people he had never seen, hungry, and tired. I won't lie, I cried too. I was sad that any child had to be separated from his mom due to homelessness. It wasn't fair to him or her. It was heartbreaking.
Sunday he did okay. After church we were finally able to get him to eat a little. Then the three of us went clothes shopping. He laughed and talked the whole way there. In the clothing shop he and John ran around, played with toys, caused mischief [Husband Edit: Not mischief. More like shenanigans. Maybe even as little as a hijink.] while I got the clothes. He still hasn't eaten very much and he seems sad more times than happy, but he is slowly adjusting. We all are. Our wonderful church family and friends have wrapped us in love and prayers just a quickly and abundantly as they did the first time. Gifts of toys, clothes, prayers came in which has made our jobs so much easier.
Yes, John and I fell in love just as quickly as we did last time. Foster Care is a wild adventure with many tears and smiles along the way.....or so we are learning.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)